They Are Brown, Not Orange

The idea of mixing artificial salty snacks with artificial fast food is nothing new.  Taco Bell has been doing it for years with their Doritos Locos taco and has even been sneaking Fritos in their burritos lately.  Burger King has jumped on this bandwagon to compete with these other unhealthy brands, hoping to one up them by partnering with Cheetos – the most artificial of the artificial snacks.  As a natural progression from their Mac’n Cheetos side dish, BK is now dusting their chicken fries with this cheesy chemical.

Yeah, doesn’t this just scream “mmm, put these in your mouth?”

For those of you unfamiliar with chicken fries, it is basically a chicken nugget but shaped like a French fry or even a drinking straw.  Until now, fast fooders were limited by the number of dipping sauces available in which to drown their chicken fries to give them a different favor. But this flavor mixing now has the opportunity to change by sprinkling the Cheetos dust directly into the chicken, sort of like the way McDonalds embedded the maple syrup directly into the McGriddles* breakfast sandwich.  (*And quick side note, it is always McGriddles – with an “s” – even when ordering just one. Please use proper pronunciation when ordering next time.)

The box design is the best part

Unfortunately, the cheesiness of the Cheetos just doesn’t shine through, is brown instead of orange, and ultimately looks like burnt spaghetti diarrhea.

Another healthy meal from BK

To be perfectly clear, the photos below have not been Photoshopped.  Yes, they actually look like brown burnt turds.  Zooming in, you can see specks of orange but it is nothing like how it looks in the official picture. Let’s compare.

Hmmm… tastes like a class action lawsuit to me for false advertising

Just like the visual let down, their taste is equally disappointing.  It is still a funky shaped, textured, and tasting chicken nugget.  It wasn’t until I was on my last Cheetos chicken fry did I start to get a hint of cheesy Cheetoiness… that wasn’t until after I burped which was actually super gross.

These chicken fries don’t even stand up all pretty like how they do in the picture.

Unfortunately, I was forced to eat these heavily processed chicken strips without any sauce because the drive-thru lady forgot to drop a packet in my bag.  I had plans on going with the buffalo sauce, and think it would have helped this whole situation, but now I will never know for sure. If they were out of buffalo, my back up plan was to hit up the ranch. Yeah, ranch. Everyone likes ranch.

Chester Cheetah as a chicken

I laid out all my chicken fries on a plate to witness exactly what I was eating. In total, I got 10 Cheetos chicken fries with one order. However, I think these are supposed to come in packages of 9.  So maybe I got a bonus?  But I don’t consider it a bonus because these fries are pretty terrible and ultimately made my stomach hurt that much more after downing the entire box (for science).

Do you honestly want to put this inside your body?

If you notice, each chicken fry is oddly and differently shaped.  Some are long. Some are short. Some are curved. Some are darker. Some are filled with more sorrow than other. Maybe this is why I got a “bonus” fry. There really is no consistency, especially when comparing them to the picture perfect marketing shot above. Like your Mother on Mother’s Day, I was full of disappointment with the product and its presentation.  The box design sort of is cool, but the fries themselves will make you ask the question “Did I actually pay money for this?” upon looking at them.

Not a whole lot of chicken here

There actually isn’t much chicken in these chicken fries.  At least half of each straw is the dark and supposed “Cheetos” breading.  This fact alone is pretty gross. The ratios of breading to chicken are significantly off and will upset your stomach, revealing a sense a shame that you didn’t know was possible.  While I had to wait a handful of hours before threw up out of my ass, it sat in my stomach as if I just swallowed a brick.  Whole. Jagged edges and all.

I think I saw this inside a pyramid once

Would I buy these batch of “Cheetos” chicken fries again, putting Cheetos in quotes because there really no cheesiness to them? And answer is, of course, yes, but only under the goal of committing suicide.  However, to be fair, the Burger King Cheetos Chicken Fries are actually good when compared to other Cheetos products.  But this is like asking, which pile of feces tastes better?

Not As Good As: the generic $1/bag of Meijer brand cheesy poofs (seriously, these things are awesome!)
Worse Than: going hungry
Also Try: eating real chicken that isn’t shaped like a fry, dinosaur, or ring

By: Zachary Gasiorowski, Editor in Chief myGamer.com
Twitter: @ZackGaz