Now With More Dieabetus

Ah yes, spring time.  You know what that means – allergies, the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, and marshmallow Peeps are on the way.

Hard to believe but not really.

Never satisfied with the status quo, Oreo is not afraid to branch out into uncharted territory.  Peanut butter, red velvet cream cheese, and even Swedish Fish all made guest appearances on Oreo’s main stage at one point.  Arguably, Nabisco might have just raised their own bar by incorporating a new type of candy into their American staple – Peeps filled Oreos.  I know, I couldn’t believe it either.  But man, it just makes total sense when you think about. Or does it?

Crunchy sugar crystals… you ain’t kidding.

You know what Peeps are?  Sugar puffed into fluffy marshmallow format.  But you know what makes sugar better?  That’s right, adding more sugar!  Peeps are literally sugar coated sugar.   But you know what can make sugar even more American?  Sandwiching that shizz between two sugar based cookies, that’s how.  You can literally taste the diabetes as your teeth begin to sting – bonus!

I really did eat one

The nutrition facts on the back of the packaging claims that two Oreos equals one serving size.  Each serving size contains 12g of sugar.  So if I have my math correct, that means that each Peeps filled Oreo is 6g of sugar.  According to a quick Google search, each Oreo weighs somewhere between 11-12 grams.  Breaking this down, literally half of each cookie is nothing more than sugar.  Putting it in other words, eating a Peeps filled Oreo is the equivalent to losing one toe to diabetes.  Eat a row of cookies, you will lose your right leg. Eat the entire package, you will go blind. Maybe. Probably.

Do you think it is smart putting this in your body?

Being totally honest, these sugar bombs are pretty fantastic.  At the same time, anything composed almost entirely of sugar should taste pretty sweet as adding sugar can make anything instantly better. You know what would make kids eat more celery?  Hose it down with some sugar. You know what could spice up your kale? Cook it in sugar. Want to make Excel not boringly suck? Sugar!

I mean… just look at that!

The front of the packaging boasts a “limited edition” tagline in the upper corner.  This call to action means you better get your ass to your local grocer because these beeties will only be around for a limited time.  And once they are gone, you’ll have to settle for Double Stufs again.

Sure, the intense sugar flavor is enough to make you immediately brush your teeth but that actually isn’t the most shocking thing about these sugar wafers. Thing is, upon opening the hatch on the top of the packaging – the smell immediately hits you in the back of the brain.  You can smell the sweetness. If it is possible to contract diabetes from smell alone, this is probably it. You know that headache you get when you are painting your bedroom?  It is sort of like that only with sugar and high blood pressure.

Looks at all the beetusez

The other highlighting feature, literally, is its highlighting feature.  The neon pink color is the exact same color as my neon pick highlighter that I had on my desk.  Also, it is the same exact color as neon pink Post-Its.  The bright bubblegum hue actually made me feel a little less of a man after eating my first one. It was then I realized that these Peeps filled Oreos do not taste like sugar… they taste like shame and self-hatred.  Keep in mind, the filling inside is still Oreo crème; it is not a marshmallow puff.  But the crème is dusted with sugar granules which creates a slightly gritty texture, putting even more emphasis on “lose your toes to beeties” sugary sweet flavor.

Same exact color as my highlighter pen

I’m not going to say eating neon pink sugar coated sugar will kill you, but it would be a pretty sweet way to go. Both literally and figuratively.

Better Than: anchovy cream filling
Also Try: putting butter on everything
Wait For It: packaged fried Oreos

By: Zachary Gasiorowski, Editor in Chief myGamer.com
Twitter: @ZackGaz