Food For Younglings –
Like the rest of planet Earth, I am excited about Star Wars Episode 7. The expectations for this movie are sky-high to say the least and Disney wants to capitalize on this money-making opportunity. It is impossible to walk into any mass merchant retail environment and not see Star Wars propaganda littered on every store shelf. From toys to school supplies, no product is safe from the Force chokehold of Star Wars. This includes the food industry.
Mmm, taste the chemicals.
Plainly called “Star Wars,” oddly even dropping the word “cereal” from its official name, General Mills wants to Force push these artificial pellets down our gullets like Boba Fett to a Sarlacc pit. Unfortunately, blue milk is not for sale and seems like a huge missed opportunity.
What exactly are those “other natural flavors”?
First, let’s take a look at the box itself.
“The sh!ts this will give you, hmmm. Hehe.”
As you can see, Yoda is looking a little hangry but this cereal can’t be any worse than that swamp crap he was eating on Dagobah. Strangely enough, even though this cereal is a marketing tool for Episode 7, there is nothing Episode 7-ish about this product. The back of the box tests the reader’s knowledge of previous Star Wars films, specifically Episodes IV, V, and VI. Like the blue milk, not having any Episode 7 content to ingest is rather unfortunate.
Chewie is the Hodor of Star Wars
The highlight of this cereal are the Star Wars shapes and marshmallows. The side of the box describes each marshmallow: a green Yoda, blue R2-D2, a red Jedi Starfighter, a white Stormtrooper helmet, and a pair of lightsabers. On the other hand, the box does not describe the shapes of the non-marshmallow pieces.
Each marshmallow is basically a nonsensical blob
I am assuming they are a Tie-Fighter, maybe a Slave-1 or top-down view of an X-Wing, and an AT-AT but cannot be certain as they pretty much all look like blobs. In fact, this piece actually looks like a map of the female reproductive system.
Is this a uterus?
In terms of taste and texture, it is really no better or no worse than any other flamboyant cereal on the market. In fact, if I am not mistaken, this cereal is basically Trix but with blob marshmallows.
Feel the Force in your mouth
Because the ratio of cereal to marshmallow pieces is pretty dramatic, your milk won’t even really change color by the time you are finished. And to be honest, the cereal didn’t even get soggy which ensures that the roof of your mouth will be torn from beginning to end.
The milk will stay white for the most part
While this is obviously a food product designed for children and super nerdy adults, the nutrition facts were not as bad as I thought. Sure, you are not exactly getting your daily intake of fruits and veggies here but your kid is still better off eating this than pounding a can of Mountain Dew in the morning.
I am not sure why but there were only a handful of Stormtrooper helmet marshmallows in this entire box. And I am pretty sure the green Yoda blob and red kite shape were just taken directly from Lucky Charms, just given a new name.
Would have been cool if this expired on May 4th
As a cereal, it’s not bad. It’s not great but it is not bad. As promotional material for Star Wars Episode 7, it totally sucks because there is nothing Episode 7 about this. I am not surprised to see Star Wars cereal but can’t help but feel like this is a money grab from everyone’s favorite movie series. I know, I know, crazy Star Wars merchandising!? Who would have thunk?
May the Force, and cereal, be with you. Always.
Not As Good As: Lucky Charms
Better Than: most Post brand cereals
Also Try: Star Wars Lightsaber tampons
By: Zachary Gasiorowski, Editor in Chief myGamer.com
Twitter: @ZackGaz